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Sonya's Nervous Breakdown

Jillian Scheinfeld April 22, 2019

INT. CREATIVE AGENCY

Sonya is 48 and going through a midlife crisis. She works at AXWELL WELL, the only creative agency in Lincoln, Nebraska. Sonya has abandoned all professional/social etiquette and is resigned to fucking up her life.

ACCOUNT MANAGER

I just want to manage your expectations.

SONYA

That’s exactly what my ex Jim said to me. I still recall the day. He was wearing a blue suede jacket.

ACCOUNT MANAGER

No. Wait, what? I just want to manage your expectations about receiving the deliverables on 4/30.

SONYA

Oh, ok. Thank you for managing my expectations. Someone needs to.

ACCOUNT MANAGER

Yes, that is what I’m here to do. Manage your expectations. So, how’s your bandwidth looking?

SONYA

Well, right about now I fluctuate between a 32 and a 34, but who knows. By the end of the day, I could be a 36. Did you hear its Indian Buffet Day in the mess hall?

ACCOUNT MANAGER

You mean the commissary? Sonya, is there something you need to get off your chest?

SONYA

No, unfortunately these two are completely attached. I didn’t ask for them.

ACCOUNT MANAGER

Now if we could just back up a minute, I need to know if the SEAMS project is accounted for in your scope?

SONYA

Man, do they still make Scope? I swear I only see Listerine these days at CVS. It’s like they forgot about Scope.

ACCOUNT MANAGER

Scope is a client here at AXWELL WELL!

SONYA

WELL, WELLLLLL, WELLLLLL, WELLLLL

ACCOUNT MANAGER

(Turns on emergency button)

SHE’S WELLING! SONYA IS WELLING! CALL THE WELL MEDICS!

Sonya’s mechanical configuration has gone awry. WELLING is code for: machine failure.

Sonya’s words trail off. She spins and bursts into translucent pieces that disintegrate into the carpet.

ACCOUNT MANAGER

(In an automated tone)

MUST FOCUS ON SCOPE’S NEW MARKETING STRATEGY.

THE END

In HUMOR & SKETCHES
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Slightly Gluten-Free

Jillian Scheinfeld December 12, 2018

INT. SUSHI RESTAURANT IN WESTCHESTER

Rebecca is on her fourth date with Mike.

SERVER

Hi, can I take your order?

REBECCA

Yes, I’ll have the miso soup, a spicy tuna roll, and the shrimp tempura.

SERVER

Sure.

REBECCA

Oh, can you please bring out the gluten-free soy sauce?

SERVER

Are you gluten-free? There’s gluten in the miso soup. And tempura.

REBECCA

Well, sort of.

SERVER

Do you have a gluten allergy?

REBECCA

No, no, I just prefer gluten-free soy sauce.

SERVER

So, when you get glutened, will you send your dish back? That’s happened here before.

REBECCA

No, really, it’s fine. You know what, just bring the regular soy sauce. You can even bring me the one with extra sodium if you want.

SERVER

I would love to accommodate your request, Miss, I just have to let the chefs know if you have an allergy.

REBECCA

No, I am only slightly gluten-free.

SERVER

(Screams to chef)

Joe, we have another who is slightly gluten-free! Use the slightly gluten-free pan!

(To Rebecca)

That’s when we mix gluten with non-gluten for customers. We have a whole slightly gluten-free menu.

REBECCA

Why didn’t you say something then?

MIKE

She was waiting to see if you were actually gluten-free or not.

SERVER

We have a phlebotomist on-site behind the Bamboo-print curtain if you need to test for gluten intolerance.

REBECCA

That’s not necessary.

SERVER

At least you’ll know where you land on the spectrum. Then we can add you to our slightly gluten-free mailing list.

REBECCA

I can’t take it anymore!!

Rebecca loses it and grabs all the gluten food from the table next to her and shovels it in.

SERVER

Well, sir, I think your girlfriend needs a head doctor.

MIKE

She is NOT my girlfriend!!

Rebecca faints of a gluten-attack. Her body swells and she passes out.

MIKE

You killed my girlfriend!

SERVER

Sir, so she is your girlfriend?

REBECCA

(Half awake, sort of dead)

Omg, did you just call me your girlfriend?

MIKE

Fuck this! I’m going to Dominos!

The end.

In HUMOR & SKETCHES
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Saving Susan

Jillian Scheinfeld December 4, 2018

EXT. WASHINGTON SQUARE PARK, 2018

JESSICA

Has Mondrian Belle tested into St. Nicholas’ school yet?

SAVANNAH

Of course; she’s so advanced for her age. Mr. Jones says she’s in the top 1 percentile for 2nd grade readers.

JESSICA

Oh, well, Sparrow Vera is already speaking beginners French and intermediate Spanish. I die. She’s a total language savant.

SAVANNAH

Mondrian Belle is already playing with the 7th grade soccer team. The coach says she’s the most promising defensive midfielder he’s ever seen. My husband thinks I slept with Cristiano Ronaldo!

JESSICA

I suppose she does tan really well.

Rory enters the park, walking towards Jessica & Savannah.

SAVANNAH

(to Jessica)

Oh, that’s Rory. She’s new in town. Sweet, but totally clueless—like the Tai of the West Village.

RORY

Hi, you guys.

SAVANNAH

Tai! I mean, Rory! How’s it going? Rory’s husband just got transferred from Chase in Wilmington.

RORY

We’re adjusting to life in the Big Apple! I just hope it’s not too much of a culture shock for our daughter, Susan.

JESSICA

(to Savannah)

Susan! What is she, the secretary at an orthodontist’s office in Idaho? We have to save Susan!

Hey Rory, have you thought of changing Susan’s name? Maybe something casual like India Plum? Or Lemon Bean? I’m just brainstorming here.

RORY

She is named after my deceased grandmother.

JESSICA

Keyword: deceased.

SAVANNAH

What Jessica is trying to say is that Susan can either be the Shoprite brand almond milk on sale towards the back of the shelf, or the Califia Farms full price, front and center.

JESSICA

What Savannah means, is that your daughter can grow up to be an exploited nanny of a Hollywood star impregnated with a bastard child, or the head of her own Lifestyle PR agency. Choose wisely, Rory.

RORY

Wow, I guess you guys are right.

SAVANNAH

It’s like that book I read in 9th grade that said, ‘Tis a far, far better thing doing stuff for other people.

THE END.

In HUMOR & SKETCHES
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Party Talk

Jillian Scheinfeld November 5, 2018

INT. A PARTY FULL OF ACQUAINTANCES

MAXWELL

Oh, hi! Good to see you, how’ve you been?

LAURA

Let’s skip the pleasantries.

MAXWELL

(Confused)

LAURA

You unfollowed me. Subtext reads: we are no longer friends.

MAXWELL

So when I followed you, did that make us friends?

LAURA

All you do is post pictures of your kid eating cashews out of a plastic cup and I still follow you.

MAXWELL

Does it really matter that it’s out of a plastic cup?

LAURA

How do you know that Marcus wants to be seen eating sliced oranges in his underwear with juice running down his face? One day he will pissed.

SAMANTHA ENTERS.

SAMANTHA

Who has juice running down his face?

LAURA

Maxwell’s son. Constantly.

MAXWELL

Laura is accusing me of pimping out Marcus because she’s a dramatic narcissist who doesn’t understand the tacit rules of social media.

SAMANTHA

Wait, you confronted him about an unfollow? Bold, Laura.

LAURA

Why not! He’s an environmentally challenged son-pimper! Like ExxonMobil meets Joe Jackson.

MAXWELL

(about Laura)

Is she having a mental breakdown?

SAMANTHA

It’s safe to say her therapist knows about you.

LAURA

Only by handle, don’t flatter yourself.

THE END.

In HUMOR & SKETCHES
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In the Name of Self-Care

Jillian Scheinfeld September 26, 2018

Email 1:

Hi Susan,

I just wanted to let you know that I need to take Wednesday off. I usually participate in what is now an implied weekly American holiday: Self-Care Sunday, but this weekend my phone screen cracked and I had to spend hours at Apple. I had no clue who was texting me or more importantly—who wasn’t. I’m sure you can see what sort of psychological trauma this would induce. As a result, my doctor advised me to book my Keratin treatment on Wednesday to avoid the trappings of my escalating Guilt Complex. Again, I will make it my mission to continually observe Self-Care Sunday so that this does not inconvenience you or the company ever again.

Stay nurtured,

Ashley

Email 2:  

Hi Bob, 

I am confirming that I received the creative brief on our new digital strategy going forward. I am also writing to tell you that my answer is no. The Oxford Dictionary defines self-care as “the practice of taking an active role in protecting one's own well-being and happiness, in particular during periods of stress.” This is a stressful period. I ask that you please respect my boundaries and consider my response through the lens of compassion and empathy. The ability to say no is a skill, and harnessing this power will allow me to continue thriving and flourishing—which is what I plan to do here at Lucifer and Smith.

With endless compassion,

Steven

Email 3: 

Hi Greta,

I am writing this in confidence, and as my boss I hope you take into consideration the sensitivity of this issue. After much personal resistance, I have been seeing a therapist to address what he deems a “maladaptive coping mechanism” that is affecting my day-to-day life. I’m a student of self-care and one of the ways to support authenticity is to dress in a way that makes you feel good. Gucci makes me feel good. So good, that I am $25,000 in debt. I was hoping we could talk about renegotiating my salary because frankly, I know what I’m worth. The final step towards realizing self-care is action and that’s what I’m taking. Action. 

Looking forward,

Sarah  

 

In HUMOR & SKETCHES Tags self care
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The Los Angeles Diaries: Glassell Park Pool

Jillian Scheinfeld July 29, 2018

At first glance, Glassell Park Pool is nothing special: a community pool ensconced in a working class neighborhood on the east side of Los Angeles. The route from Silver Lake to Glassell Park takes you along the Glendale Freeway, a free-wheeling highway with road-splintered speed bumps that meet you out of nowhere and mimic that nauseating rollercoaster-drop feeling. Flanked by the dust-speckled silhouette of the Angeles National Forest, the Glendale Freeway feels like light years away from the great, big plastic bubble that is Los Angeles proper. Once you turn off onto N Eagle Rock Blvd, the lane skirts along with nondescript features, excluding a black awning that reads “Habitat Coffee,” a symbol of nudging gentrification in this historically Spanish enclave.

A residential neighborhood during the day is a serial driver’s dream: endless parking spots—many of which you can glide into and avoid the periodic woes of parallel parking. When I’m stressed out, parallel parking is the bane of my existence. My spatial perception tends to fade into some far back crevice of my brain that’s being taken over by anxious marching ants and I just say “FUCK IT” while circling around 10 more times to find a spot I can pull into with zero effort. Yes, that also acts as a metaphor for my life. Luckily, Glassell Park Pool has a parking lot to avoid such clashes, but locals know to steer clear of the pool around 4-5 p.m. when elementary-aged kids from the local school congregate for swim lessons and some form of water polo. Water polo is typically associated with wealthy, white conservative kids who grow up hiding all sorts of sordid secrets from their families; but the kids at GPP completely annihilate this stereotype.

I have one “swimmers” bathing suit I bought in an Israeli swim shop when I lived in the dorms at Tel Aviv University. It’s a modest one piece that reads “SPEEDO” in orange font and makes me feel like an Olympic medalist, as opposed to a girl/woman (Goman?) who swims 15 laps, does Tracy Anderson arms under water, and calls it a day. There is nothing like underwater resistance and don’t let anyone tell you differently! The goggles are from the GPP store, which also functions as the greeting area and cubed-glass-case space where a swim docent admits you with one carnival-red ticket after you pay a refreshingly cheap $3 fee. Whenever I go there—as opposed to a $26 hot yoga class—I think ‘this is what it must have felt like to exist in the 1960s, when that amount of money could actually buy you 22 pounds of steak. Or 14 tubes of toothpaste. Or 12 cans of hairspray.' Shockingly this is not information off the top of my head, but from a website called, “Remembering what a buck could get you in the 1960s.” I think it’s important to note that these could be essential items if you're planning to throw a bacchanalian dinner party that requires fresh breath and a minted hairdo. 

There’s nowhere else in the world (besides space) where you can feel entirely weightless besides water. Propelling my entire body forward under water makes me feel like Gumby wading through a gelatinous mold. OR SOMETHING. Beginning with the front crawl and transitioning into breaststroke, my hands take the shape of lobster claws and then flap out like bird wings in the ripples. Because I wear contacts, I always remember my goggles, but I tend to forget those little gummy ear plugs—which are essential if you want to avoid that tunnel feeling when water lodges in the crevices of your ears. Sticking a finger in your ear to aid in drainage feels exactly like when the doctor looks in your ear with an otoscope at a checkup. All you hear for a few seconds is that distinct echo, as if you were summoning extraterrestrial life from some hollow underground lair in a weird basement—or something!

Since I am not a local, I go precisely at 4 p.m. on a weekday off from work. It’s been a while since I’ve been surrounded by a cluster of elementary school kids, let alone rowdy male ones. There’s something grounding about this experience and not as annoying as I would initially think. This is likely because water relaxes me and transforms me into a patient person who gazes around as I float and tread and stretch. An adorable cork brown Mexican boy jumps out of the pool and effortlessly pulls his bodyweight up onto the pavement. Water beads, glistening off him like some sort of transparent sequin jumpsuit, reveal themselves in the sun. It also reminds me of when Britney Spears wore that nude bedazzled costume at the 2000 VMAs. You know, the one where she shockingly ripped off her pantsuit and we all thought she was naked for half a second.

I see homes wedged into the dry, green hills above me and wonder how people can live there, look down and not worry that a boulder (OR EARTHQUAKE) would somehow smash into the land and make all the homes come toppling down. I suppose I, too, live on a hill in Silver Lake and rarely worry about earthquakes or natural disasters unless one is happening the moment I see it on Twitter. Then I panic. Then it's all over, so quickly, like some fever-rush dream that makes you question if it ever really happened at all. Truthfully, I'm more concerned with the homeless people that have been squatting under my house for the past few days. Unbeknown to me, my pothead ex-actor/dad-of-two/weed-seller (in a place where pot is legal?) creepy-ass male neighbor, Will, told me that his highly hyperactive dog sniffed out the peaceful squatters and scared them away. Or maybe Will and his predatory personality/ intermittent violent outbreaks did. I will never know. 

Ok, nothing else. Or maybe I’m just too lazy to finish this until I get a book deal where my editor helps me figure out how to end essays properly. This is just my tribute to Glassell Park Pool in sunny, strange, lovely, lonely Los Angeles. And all pools. And the magical, healing power of water. And well-preserved public spaces. And dogs who sniff out intruders. And even, Will. 

 

 

In HUMOR & SKETCHES
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Vacation All I Ever Wanted: The Instagram Files

Jillian Scheinfeld July 5, 2018

GIRL POSTS PICTURE WEARING A BIKINI AT A VILLA IN ITALY

Caption: "Arrivederci bishes!!!"

Inner Monologue: Tara's party friend knows this dude who has a villa in Positano. It's really like "Came through drippin'" -- which is what my nose is doing. Now it's the morning after and I'm the only one dying. RIP ME. How do people endure two days of partying without crying? Issa Bittersweet Symphony.

GUY POSTS PICTURE MOWN LAWN IN HAMPTONS IN VILEBREQUIN TRUNKS

Caption: "At your service."

Inner Monologue: Am I not the fuckin' man? This is what manhood is all about! Why didn't our groundskeeper Mario ever tell me? Nature. I mean, I even own a S'well bottle. I feel invigorated. Like I could go to the Catskills, swim in a lake, maybe stay at Milk Barn.

GIRL POSTS PICTURE WATCHING JULY 4TH FIREWORKS IN MANHATTAN

Caption: Should we really be wishing America a Happy Birthday?

Inner Monologue: Ugh, I would give my new Herschel fanny pack to be anywhere else right now. I hate pretending to give a fuck about fireworks in MANHATTAN. Or anywhere else for that matter. Unless I was in Europe. Then I actually might give a fuck. I just want to hear someone say MANHATTAN again with that specific, sincere inflection. That would be enough.

 

 

 

 

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The Death of Nuance: The Instagram Files

Jillian Scheinfeld June 11, 2018

Straight guy posts picture of Trump’s fat ass in white shorts

Caption: Worst president in history lookin’ thick as a malted

Reality: If that back was on a woman I may have followed her down the street, but only for a block. Come on, I’m not a creep! TBH, his tax cuts have been helping my small business, but I can’t tell my friends that. They'll think I like him, when really I just like the tax cut. 

Girl posts PICTURe of friend’s bachelorette trip

Caption: Best trip ever!!!!

Reality: Saturday on the boat was the most fun I’ve had in a while, but if I had to hear Gwen talk about how being a cat person informs her identity one more time, I may have jumped ship. And was the brunch on Sunday really necessary? I mean, at that point everyone is hungover and in their heads about getting home. Just get bagels to go and be done with it. Casual $1000 trip + 3 new outfits from Revolve = can't really make my rent this month, but like, que sera?

GIRL POSTS PICTURE OUT POST-BREAK UP WITH RAP LYRIC CAPTIOn

Caption: I only love my bed and my mama I'm sorry

Reality: That man child is on the rebound posting those cryptic Insta stories and thinks I'm all bent out of shape. I'll show him. What respectable dude posts multiple times a week anyway? Unless you're Drake, of course. Ima give 'em hell with Revenge Body a la Khloe. Prayers she dumps Tristan. Prayers I swipe right on a good human.

*******************************************************************

Nuance has died, so let’s have a funeral.

Nuance requests tea lights, an organ and a floral wreath made of mums and white roses. Then it would like a proper shiva, because nuance has no ties to any religious denomination and would like you to spend at least a week thinking about it.

Nuance lived a long and fruitful life until around 2008, when it began its slow demise into irrelevancy. It was 2017 when Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram completely annihilated nuance and opted for convenience. Poor nuance just couldn’t stand a chance when met with the dwindling attention spans of its interpreters who wish to see, read, and hear everything all at once.

It seems we have two options: black or white. There’s simply no time for color. It's the best! It's the worst! She's the best! He's the worst! There's nothing in between. I suppose this extremism of opinion is for the sake of brevity. Or maybe out of fear or image-cultivation. Or maybe it's really what you think, but it usually feels half-baked/provincial.

It's understandable to want to project a certain image online, which comes along with fabrication and exaggeration, but it's tiring to ingest. We've all done it, we all do it, but that doesn't mean I can't call it out or at least bring it to light. Especially in the wake of skyrocketing mental illness and the horror stories of last week, it just can't hurt to be more honest in your representation. Maybe just one self-deprecating post will do. I know I'm sort of jumping topics here, but this is just a blog and these are just free-roaming thoughts! You connect the dots. :) :) 

On another note, sadly, I’d rather scroll through my Twitter feed to superficially digest the opinion’s of the 1,500 people I follow rather than read your article that takes me 20 minutes to understand that considerately captures the sensitivities of most subjects. I just have to make it through the entire feed until I get to the last tweet I read prior, or my OCD will kick in and I’ll feel like I missed out on some pseudo-authority's opinion on an article that hasn't been fact-checked! Or maybe the greatest trip of all time this girl I know from camp went on with five other girls, which means it really couldn’t be the greatest trip! You know someone must've taken 2 hours to get dressed for dinner every night, or another girl forgot her passport, or got food poisoning and it was sort of hilarious and awful all at the same time. No one seems to be "here for" a slightly contradictory, contemplative perspective. It takes too long. Sometimes longer than it takes for my Seamless driver to make its way to my apartment, and that’s pretty fucking long. 40 minutes to an hour, to be exact.

If we’re talking ice cream, we're looking at chocolate or vanilla. To take this ice cream metaphor as an example of our bland cultural discourse a step further, I’d say we’re in the realm of plain old Haagen-Dazs when really, we need to embrace the textured flavors of Ben & Jerry’s. We’ve forgotten all about the double chocolate chip with cookie dough and fudge that you find gloriously layered in the middle. And the walnuts! Oh, the walnuts. How can we neglect those?

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A Look at What's Left of the Abandoned Borscht Belt Hotels

Jillian Scheinfeld June 11, 2018
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Permalink: Hudson Valley Magazine

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Turning 28: A Vibe

Jillian Scheinfeld May 29, 2018

INT: Therapist's office, 2018

Therapist

Why does turning closer to 30 make you feel like your life is ending?

Me

Because every gratuitous cigarette I have is a reminder that if I continue this social habit, my forehead lines will one day be thick enough to stick a penny in.  

Therapist

Now that's hyperbolic. 

Me

Totally, I think if I just use a refrigerated jade roller I'll be fine.

 

TEXT MESSAGE, 2018

Dude Friend

Are you going to Gov Ball? 

Me

No.

Friend

I'm shocked! 

Me

Well, if I “festival drink” on Friday then I’ll need to rest all day Saturday and then who knows I may have a two-day hangover and then Sunday will just be a repeat of Saturday and then when will I grocery shop?!

 

G CHAT, 2018

Friend

Did you see x is getting married?

Me

But yeah, did you see x is moving to Spain?

Friend

Oh yeah, but did you see x is having a kid?

Me

I did, but did you see x just get her own TV show?

Friend

I still think we can totally have it all.

Me

Oh, easily! If we’re rich.

In HUMOR & SKETCHES
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Interpreting Your Post: The Instagram Files

Jillian Scheinfeld May 23, 2018

 

Influencer posts picture of clawfoot tub filling up alongside “Heart Talk” by Cleo Wade

What she’s really thinking: I’m awfully lonely right now, but at least my bathroom looks chic af. Can you see the plants next to my bath? It’s like a posh jungle in here! That would be the name of my band: Posh Jungle. This granite tile floor actually represents the pieces of me. How is Ashlee Simpson doing? What do I have to do to get Gucci to send me outfits like they do to Cleo?  Can I become a rich poet, too? She's a genius.

Aspiring photographer/Account Manager posts picture of street graffiti 

What he’s really thinking: That one night at Kenny Scharf’s Cosmic Cavern in Bushwick changed the course of my entire life. Fuck being a corporate shill! Acid is wild. I wonder if I tag #streetinspo if this will filter into the Discover Feed. The girl I post my Instagram stories for was featured in Juxtapoz Magazine. I hope she likes this. I mean actually, in her mind, and literally with her thumb.

*Jillian posts beautiful picture of a couple at a wedding*

What I'm really thinking: I love them. I do. I also hate them. When will I meet someone normal that I like? Not normal like boring, but normal like emotionally available. Wait, am I emotionally available? I wonder if this post will break 100 likes. Should I enroll in the Meghan Markle School of Manipulation? Can you start a benevolent school such as this if you're a royal? I heard you can't even eat shellfish. 

 

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What It’s Like to Bond With Your Uber Driver

Jillian Scheinfeld May 9, 2018

EXT: East Village, 2018. 8:30 p.m.

In car with Julio. He’s very upbeat. Has fuzzy dice hanging from mirror.  

Julio

So, The Wayland, huh? Hot date?

Me

I actually messaged this guy I sort of know on Facebook because girls are supposed to be comfortable asking guys out now, but I still feel really traditionalist about the heterosexual dating dynamic. Although, The Wing makes me feel sort of guilty about that.

Julio

Yeah, I had to chase my girlfriend around for 3 months before she decided to date me. I bet those ladies who make all the rules are married anyway.

Me

You know what, Julio, I think you’re probably right.

Julio

I know these things. But sometimes you just gotta grab life by the balls!

Me

I like where your head's at. But now I feel weird for asking him out.

Julio

When Taylor Swift sang, “boys only want love when it’s torture” that's facts. My girl is crazy and I like it like that.

Me

Wait, you like Taylor? I kinda do, too. But ONLY HER MUSIC. I can't stop listening to "Dress" and "Delicate."

Julio

Nah, I only fuck with “Blank Space.” But, you know, Jillian, everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.  

Me

You find that on BrainyQuotes.com?

Julio

No, I am just wise beyond my years.

___________________________________________________________________________

This is an underrated occurrence that needs to be addressed: heart-to-hearts with Uber drivers. I’ve found they’ve happened to me in 80% of rides in LA (disproportionately so in New York City, but that’s to be expected). Uber drivers are so much more than your friendly transportation aide. They’re your therapists, philosophers, educators, and friends. If only for the moment. Or 20 minutes. Or the hour. Again, depending on what overcrowded hellscape you choose to call home.

There is something to be said for having a conversation with a complete stranger that makes all of your problems seem more universal (and somehow less acute) than they do when talking to a friend. Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of times when I set the tone for the ride where I, like many others, stare at my phone like a zombie and make sure the driver knows I will be in a self-induced coma for the remainder of the trip. But there are also those other times when I’m feeling particularly chipper or relaxed, and I let the conversation roll out like a red carpet.

There are many things to glean in a casual setting such as this. During one ride, I learned about how many African American women are getting BBW’s (Brazilian Butt Lifts) from my driver, Tiffany. She told me that a myriad of her friends and frenemies travel to the Dominican Republic to get work done to emulate the carefully concocted wax figure Kardashian bodies. We spoke about the unfair demands on women to look thique but with Barbie proportions, and about Khloe’s evolution from hurt to hot (I’M SORRY, but I’m not).

The Dominican Republic surfaced again when my driver Michael told me he was a filmmaker who only distributed there, in his home region. We talked about the difficulties he faced making films that would be released in the U.S. I’ve never been to the DR, but I’m thinking since it’s a recurring topic, there might just be something there for me. I’m not interested in a new ass, but there are many other body parts to consider. (Totally rambling here, but how annoying is it when girls have nothing to complain about, so they highlight that their middle toe is longer than their big toe as if that’s rare or somehow unattractive to the male gaze).

I’ve had conversations about my drivers’ divorces. About Trump. Traffic. Dating. Restaurants. Music. We basically cover all newspaper subcategories and then some. At times, they share their hopes and dreams. Sometimes, I share mine. It's all very Mr. Rogers but, somehow realistic. While this all may seem standard in terms of conversational fodder, there's a distinct whimsicality between driver and passenger that feels different now because of the age we live in.

It’s rare to have a random conversation with a stranger. It hardly happens at bars anymore and it definitely doesn’t happen on the subway. Parties don’t count, because they’re not really strangers; someone you know probably knows them. We’re all increasingly timid to speak in person, but we’ll blast the hell out of someone on Twitter. Social interactions have become more cowardly. Boring. Uch.

So, a small panacea: give a random compliment because you like someone's shoes! Say something out loud to someone who doesn’t know who you are. Be fucking random! Make someone who has resting bitch face stop resting. We need more of this arbitrary exchange. It helps keeps life interesting and REAL. Especially in a time when it is possible for Grimes and Elon Musk to conceive hybrid alien babies.

Okay, now I’ll go back to listening to the “Reputation” album again, because it’s a) underrated and b) I sadly relate to Taylor Swift songs these days.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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What It’s Like When You Prefer to Eat Lunch Alone

Jillian Scheinfeld May 7, 2018

INT: LOS ANGELES AT AN OFFICE, 2017

boss who sighs a lot

*Sends a message on Slack*

We're ordering lunch for the team today!

ME

(to her)

Oh, great!

(to self)

Jesus Christ. God. Why? Aren't we around each other enough as it is?

boss who sighs a lot

Do you have any food allergies or special preferences?

ME

(to her)

I’m good! Just let me know where we’re ordering from and I’ll Google the menu.

(to self)

The lab tests say I’m not gluten-intolerant, but Goop says I am! I’m not sure if it’s dairy or genetics that break me out, but I avoid cheese just in case (unless it’s the weekend). The thought of eating processed food unless I’m hungover or on a road trip disgusts me. I’m not kosher, but maybe I should say I am.

BOSS WHO SIGHS A LOT

Okay, one minute. Checking with the team.

ME

(to her)

Sure!

(to self)

There has to be something on the menu for me. God, I hope it’s not a sandwich place so I don’t have to peel away the excess bread away like a girl with an eating disorder who thinks nobody notices.

BOSS WHO SIGHS A LOT

Great, we’re getting subs from Mendocino Farms!

ME

(to her)

Okay, great!

(to self)

I’m certifiably psychic. I’d also like to millennialize the 2018 DSM with the addition of Punctuation Use Disorder. The use of 1 in banal virtual conversations is agonizing!

BOSS WHO SIGHS A LOT

We decided on the Godfather hero!

ME

(to her)

Sounds delicious.

(to self)

Please, God, save me from the homogenizing notion of "the team." Please, if I have to die of anything besides a "natural" death, let it not be from diabetes via ham-and-white-bread poisoning. I'm open to discussing liver cancer. Amen. 

********************************************************************

In lieu of classifying human beings by ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, race or any other conventional means of division, I chose to bracket people into two categories: those who like to eat lunch with others and those who prefer to lunch alone.

I was triggered the other day when I went on a job interview and asked the interviewers what they liked most about working for this particular company. Although I frequently lambaste the modern age, I’m entirely grateful to Google and the secret life of SEO for helping me identify what a “question that shows you care in an interview” is. In one of those board rooms where the black Bluetooth speaker sits proudly as the centerpiece, I sat with my hands folded neatly on my lap, and then like a marionette controlled by my own defiant subconscious, elbows soon on the table. (Power move, IMO).

“I love that everyone here eats lunch together!” one of the interviewers genuinely said. I couldn’t help but think that was one of the saddest things I’ve ever heard. It’s one thing to enjoy getting lunch with your work friends when it works for all of you and it happens naturally. By naturally, I mean with a G-chat or text to see what you’re going to eat and if you want to sit together and lament about office politics and talk about your weekend plans. It’s another thing entirely to pinpoint group lunches as a highlight of office culture.

This could mean the particular interviewer was A) Previously an indentured servant at her last job, unable to leave unless granted permission by the the Boss Master or B) Really hates her job and could not think of anything else positive to say about the company. 

Now, I'd like to to invalidate the stereotype that people who gravitate towards lunching solo are these awkward, hermetic creatures who look at the floor when they walk and communicate best through email. Similarly, I’d like to propose that people who eat their mid-day meal with others aren’t necessarily these enthusiastic, puppy-like individuals who feel a great sense of pride when they suggest everyone play Heads Up! at a party. Nothing is this black and white! But aren’t these great visuals?

This dilemma of whether to eat alone or to eat lunch with people has followed me throughout my life and I’m sure it’s a predicament that has afflicted millions. I haven’t thought about it in a while since I’ve been freelancing and have historically been really okay with eating by myself. If a hormonal cue that I need to be fed strikes, it always seems fine to seek nourishment and sit to scroll through Twitter, only looking up if I require a condiment or if someone particularly good looking has entered the room. But I’ve never understood those who get anxious about sitting at a table and eating a sandwich without anyone next to them. I’ve seen too many people—particularly women— pat themselves on the back when they get the nerve to go sit at a diner by themselves. “I actually went alone. It wasn’t so bad,” they say, with the inflection of a single person who just had to go through the low-key misery of attending a wedding alone.

I can’t think of anything more satisfying than taking a break from everyone around me mid-day so I can catch up with my own mental-to-do-list or completely zone out and eschew social responsibilities. Alone, I do not have to hear anyone chew without conscience, ask anyone about their weekend on a Monday, or feel peer pressure to order a Godfather sub on a Tuesday at 11:30 a.m. (the precise time the human race begins to think about lunch, and then subsequently forces themselves to wait until 12 p.m. to order so that the day passes faster).

Maybe I just haven’t found the “job” for me or maybe the job is something similar to this. Sitting here. Sharing my thoughts and subsequently humanizing humankind. Picking one side and going for it hard. Making you nod silently in recognition or maybe even laugh out loud. And eating my California roll in peace. I just need to figure out how to monetize the damn thing!!!!

(Was that a fair use of a punctuation mark????)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The Moody Girl's Guide to Getting Fit

Jillian Scheinfeld May 4, 2018

After moving home from Los Angeles, I’ve been temporarily back in Sullivan County, NY, where the workout classes are not so shockingly sparse. Up in the southern and western Catskills, you may find yoga in people’s personal studios during the summer and in random community centers scattered throughout a 30 mi radius—not exactly ideal.

Luckily, all you really need is a computer + 2 and 3 lb weights. I got these cute, cheap ones from Target. I used to dismiss workout videos as being ineffective before I actually tried them. Workout videos are actually great and some of my friends and I have seen incredible results. Plus, these ones are F R E E.

This isn't the '80s, so I don't have to tell you how good exercise is for you. But, I will tell you it helps me anxiety tenfold. As it goes for everyone, some days are easier than others to motivate. Either way, you have to just do it! Or at least, I have to...so I figured I'd share just in case you do, too.

For all my moody women/girls/select men/man-children (jk on the latter) who are looking for some time-efficient workouts, here are my top 5 favorite at-home videos to stream depending on my mood, energy level, and area I want to focus on. 

1. When you want to tone EVERY PART OF YOU and break a light sweat, but don’t feel like panting and schvitizing:

25-Minute Pilates Workout to Tone Your Abs, Butt, and Arms

This is my go-to when I’m feeling lazy, but want to wake up feeling fit the next morning. It only requires your body and a mat. Make a matcha or espresso beforehand and throw on music. This is the kind of workout that will be done before you know it. It also doesn’t linger long enough for you to have time to “get in your head.” I suggest my WERK BABY J workout playlist. Here, we have everything from Kanye to Marilyn Manson to Whitney Houston AND SO MUCH MORE.

2. When you’re IN IT TO WIN IT

Killer 30-Minute Cardio Boxing and Core Workout

There’s also a 45 minute one if you’re having a good day. This is a full-body, sweat-inducing workout and I also freaking love the instructor. Her name is Christa DiPaolo and she’s scrappy and upbeat in the LEAST-annoying-workout-teacher way. Let’s be real, there’s nothing more irritating than an exaggeratedly upbeat and hungry-looking woman who keeps commanding you to “tuck your seat” during excruciating moments of plank. This video has shrunk my waist and I can see the difference when I shelf this workout.

3. When you just need to DANCE IT OUT

30-Minute Kickboxing-Inspired Dance Cardio Workout

Aussie trainer Simone De La Rue’s method is espoused by celebs like Taylor Swift, Reese Witherspoon, and Rosie Huntington-Whiteley. Simone is very into saying the word “booty” and “ladies,” but if you can power through that modern-day workout guru speak, you’re good. This dance routine starts out easy and you may be like ‘am I even getting a workout?’ but 10 minutes in and you’re sweating. I find a mixture of Migos, Lorde, and Stevie Nicks gets me through this.

4. When you’re stretched for time but want to tone up arms and abs

Tracy Anderson’s 15 minute workout for Goop readers

Tracy Anderson is and will always be the holy grail of workout trainers. She’s practical and encouraging without being too cutesy. Tracy is Gwyneth Paltrow’s go-to trainer—so you know if Gwyneth does it, it’s damn good. This workout is perfect for strengthening arms and abs. Round it out with a 20 minute walk and you’re golden.

5. When you just want to get your heart-rate up a little but also stretch

Power Yoga Break with Adrienne

Yoga is a savior. Cliche's aside, it really does make you feel better afterwards. The mind/body benefits are inimitable and you feel lithe af when you’re done. When I’m not in the mood to exert a ton of effort, but I want to calm down and move, this is my go-to. It’s quick and effective.

 

In HEALTH & WELLNESS
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3 Voices You Should Avoid

Jillian Scheinfeld April 18, 2018

I’m over vocal fry. When I say I’m “over” it, I mean I’m no longer fazed by girls who try to sound cute by intentionally sabotaging their voices to mimic the noise of a buzzing refrigerator in an old diner. Been there, done that, seen enough Kardashian episodes. There are other fascinating voices that have recently come to my attention. Please see below.

1)    The High-Pitched Housewife

Okay, so she may not be a full-time housewife yet but she’s on her way. And honestly, more power to her! As my friend JM always tells me, "LIVE, HONEY." She and her new husband have probably had “the talk” and she’s inching towards quitting her job and working part-time with the option to work from home, even though they’re probably not having kids for a year or two or three. She is far from stupid (potentially smarter than you), but still sounds just like a deflated pool float you’d buy at the local multi-purpose store (not even Walmart, I mean like a country corner store that only sells Shurfine turkey). The kind of float that’s so flimsy you have to blow it up with your own mouth and then 10 minutes later when you’re still panting, it pops and soars in a distinct breathy, piercing way. At the same time, you sort of want to mimic it because there’s something girlish and feminine about the High-Pitched Housewife/Pool Raft voice, but you also hate yourself for sort of liking it. When in contact with this breed, you may even replicate this sound for a few minutes, trying it on for size, and then your best friend might nudge you and tell you to stop.

2)    The Jewish Girl at the Non-Profit

This is one of my favorite voices of all time. I know this girl, deeply. I’ve worked with her. I’ve overheard her talking to her mom in Bloomingdales. I’ve studied her at cramped Jewish events I went to when I was 23 to meet a boy but ended up getting too drunk at to actually meet anyone. This girl could be 21 or 30 and you would not know the difference. She doesn’t have a ring on her finger like all of her other friends, but I know she will someday. She talks about the “EREV” aka the night-before a big Jewish holiday (Passover, Rosh) and how she loves her job because she get’s the EREV’S off. She revels in saying the word “synagogue” with a dash of culturally acquired raspiness. Listen for the gargled “gogue” as she flips her hair and throws on a pair of office Uggs. Her voice sounds like a Vitamix blender of a person permanently afflicted with the flu, screeching tires, and Lindsay Lohan in the morning.

3)    Me When I Was Drunk in College

Honestly what’s worse than the sound of your own voice someone captured in a video from college when you were speaking from that weird subconscious place of half-truths only accessible at peak inebriation. This shrieking helium-crack-hybrid tone haunts me here and there when I run into someone I used to know or am reminded that they exist on Instagram. The voice spouts from a deeply insecure girl who has to pre-game away the social anxiety, and then some. Then she gets in cabs and asks the unlucky taxi driver to turn on the hip hop radio station and says things like “STOP IT ---- AAAAAA” when someone annoys her. Love this bish, forever.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Drinking With: The Founders of The Coveteur

Jillian Scheinfeld April 18, 2018

Toronto-based lifestyle website, The Coveteur, covers everything lifestyle, fashion, and culture. Founded by Stephanie Mark and Jake Rosenberg in 2011 as a “passion project,” they have a steady Instagram following and tons of (mostly female) fans.

One of their most notable Coveteur projects is their “Closet” series, which gives you a look into the closets and lifestyles of really cool ladies.

I recently caught up with Stephanie and Jake to talk about day drinking, beauty tips, and BBQ.

WHAT BROUGHT THE TWO OF YOU TOGETHER TO FOUND THE COVETEUR?

Stephanie: Jake and I met on a photo shoot the day before the concept for The Coveteur was created!

WHAT ARE BOTH OF YOUR ROLES?

Stephanie: My role changes from day to day, but currently I am Editor-in-Chief focusing a lot on our integrated content and business development.

Jake: I’m the Creative Director and Photographer.

AS THE CREATORS OF A LIFESTYLE SITE, BEFORE WE DIVE INTO EATING AND DRINKING, WHAT’S YOUR BEST BEAUTY/LIFE SECRET?

Stephanie: Drink lots of water and you are what you eat. If you follow those rules (drink water and eat healthy) you watch everything change for the better!

Jake: Get outside and turn off your phone.

THAT’S GREAT ADVICE, WE ALL SHOULD PROBABLY UNPLUG MORE. DO EITHER OF YOU COOK? OR ARE YOU MORE OF THE EATING OUT TYPE?

Stephanie: As much as I wish I were a good cook, I am somewhat culinarily challenged. In Toronto I love to eat at Bar Isabel and Pizza Libretto — they both have a really laid-back atmosphere, amazing food, and good vibes all around. I also love picking up lunch from a place called The Goods. I am trying to eat as clean as possible these days, so I love delicious salads, fish, vegetables, and all the amazing fruit we get in the summer.

Jake: Definitely a BBQ in my backyard! Grilled Salmon, veggies, potatoes, and a nice big salad with some good wine, cocktails, and beer! The best.

WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE PART ABOUT SUMMER?

Stephanie: Spending time outside, longer days, fresh fruit and getting a little bit of color on my otherwise very pale skin.

Jake: Finding some time to escape into the outdoors and go on a good paddling or hiking trip!

THERE’S A LOT OF DAY DRINKING THAT HAPPENS IN THE SUMMER MONTHS, DO YOU PREFER DAY DRINKING OR NIGHT DRINKING? OR BOTH?

Stephanie: My day drinking quickly turns into day napping so I would have to put myself in the night drinking category.

Jake: BOTH

HAH. FINALLY, WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE BEVERAGE IN THE WORLD?

Stephanie: I love hot water with lemon and honey. If we are heading over to the bar I can’t turn down good tequila with soda and a splash of grapefruit.

Jake: Agreed — tequila.

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 Noah Kalina

 Noah Kalina

What It's Like When You're From the Catskills

Jillian Scheinfeld April 17, 2018

What It’s Like When You’re from the Catskills

I grew up in the Catskill Mountains. The Mountains. The Borscht Belt. The Country. The Boondocks. What have you. When meeting people over the years, the reactions have varied:

2017 at a bar in Bushwick

Some hipster girl

Where are you from?

Me

The Catskills.

Some hipster girl

That’s so cool. The Catskills are so cool. Your parents must be really into nature and stuff?

Me

No, they just like to isolate. We don’t even have a garden.

2003 at Tyler Hill Camp

Cool 11-year-old boy

Where are you from?

Me

Near Monticello.

Cool 11-year-old boy

Oh, by all the cows? She’s a hick! Jill’s a hick!

(Nudges another boy and starts laughing)

Me

*11-year-old Jillian walks away and dreams of one day living in the Five Towns* 

2009 at George Washington University

Some dude at the club

Where are you from?

Me

The Catskills. In Upstate New York.

Some dude at the club

Oh, like near Albany?

Me

Sort of, like, two hours northwest of the city. Have you ever been to Woodbury Commons?

Some dude at the club

Oh yeah, my mom loves that place!

Me

(to self)

Another Jewish dude who is obsessed with his mother and neglected by his father. Sign me up! (For therapy).

As you can see, depending on the time and place, I’ve either been designated a trailblazer, a hillbilly, or a long-winded geography freak. My parents moved up here in the late 1980s when the area couldn’t be more economically devitalized, yet more ripe for progress. My dad, a sensitive, intellectual Brooklynite, grew up with a glamorous, sulky mother and a fabric-store-owner father, who, when he wasn’t working, was sucking on a cigar, playing cards, and painting. My mom, a sweet balaboosta with the world's most giving soul, is the product of a salt-of-the-earth father who loved baseball and gin and tonics and a wildfire of a mother with whom I share many Gemini traits. Both of my parents spent their summers, like most New York Jews, coming to the Mountains with their parents and siblings to stay in the area's many bungalow colonies, hotels, and sleep away camps. My maternal grandma still goes to a bungalow colony every summer! The 'rents decided to move up here for good around the time I was born, joining my two sisters in the world as the sole "hick" of the family (seriously, my oldest sister taunted me for weeks when I lost my two front teeth at age 5). I've never been anywhere like it. And by it, I mean Sullivan County, specifically. From the diverse demographic (think every ethnicity and socio-economic background possible- which is surprising for a rural area) to the inveterate, at times uncomfortable small town politics, to the dramatic country landscape and jaded narrative of its past downfalls, it's a fucking doozy of a place. 

And now, as it happens in cycles, the area is once again going through a revival. Artsy types, foodie restaurants, galleries, things to do on Sundays, coffee shops, clothing stores, even its own publication. But luckily, it's still country as fuck. Oh, there's also a casino that has now become a legitimate hangout place for locals and friends, groups of grizzly men from Queens, Hasidim, old people in fanny packs, ladies who wear sparkly tops, and people who generally seem to enjoy smoking cigarettes inside. There is also a stage for live music and something about it all feels very Lionel Richie in the '80s. It's actually awesome in the worst way! My friend Ilana wants to get married there. She went once and said hot guys were present, but I swear she's lying. Although, you can probably find yourself a coke daddy who winters in Miami, if that's your thing.

So, I have a front row seat for all of this growth and craziness and I love seeing my hometown evolve. Y'all know I'll bring the Skinny Pop (and the shade, as always).

 

 

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ILLUSTRATION BY JESS ROTTER

ILLUSTRATION BY JESS ROTTER

Vanessa Carlton Isn't Some Perfect Piano Pop-Song Girl

Jillian Scheinfeld April 17, 2018

The singer-songwriter on her growth as an artist and woman after early success.

You probably remember Vanessa Carlton, girlish and doe-eyed, playing a piano atop a moving truck on a dirt highway, that spellbinding riff from "A Thousand Miles" playing over and over in your head long after the song had ended. That was 2001.

Now, sixteen years later, with five records under her belt, after struggles with drugs and alcohol, Vanessa has long left that polished pop-princess look behind. A recent album, 2015's Liberman, is a bold and refreshingly raw ethereal concept LP. It focuses on cautionary tales of love and loss, and includes poetic paeans to the themes of self-healing and renewal. Since then, she's released two live albums, Liberman Live and Earlier Things Live, which cement Vanessa's range as a formidable performer.

Recently, I got to catch up with Vanessa in between stops of her current tour. Vanessa and I went to the same Montessori school in the Catskills, and while we're a decade apart, there are remnants of a shared childhood experience. Her mother, a classically trained pianist, was my piano teacher, and Vanessa is still a friend of my sister's. We talked about Stevie Nicks, her response to the Cam'ron track "10,000 Miles," and why it wasn't the best idea to hire her then-boyfriend to produce her second album.

Jillian Scheinfeld: Your mother was a piano teacher. What role did she play in the carving of yourself as a musician? What was it like to grow up with such a strong-minded woman in your life?

Vanessa Carlton: I think it's really a touchy [subject when] your mother [is] teaching you a craft. I think she was a great piano teacher because she never cared about the little things. It was always about the overall performance of the piece. You play, you make a mistake, you keep going. I would improvise on some Mozart sonatas, or a Greek piece, taking it to another place entirely, and she would never correct me. That was super-important to me, supporting my desire to explore different sounds that weren't on the page. So, in that way, I think she had a profound impact on my creative life.

 

But outside of that, she's incredibly intense and very stubborn. We've had major growing pains — as mothers and daughters have — and we've arrived at a really good place. Once I had my baby, I was able to channel a lot of empathy for my mother and start to imagine what she was like when she was in her twenties and got married to my father, who was a pilot, and they didn't have much money. She set up this amazing life for herself and her kids as a working mother. She's very progressive. I agree with a lot of [the decisions she made throughout the years] now that I'm a mother. But it took me some time to get here.

JS: Considering the overall instability of today's world,what's most important for you to teach Sid, your two-year-old [with Deer Tick's John McCauley]?

VC: The most important thing now and what is breaking my heart daily is the lack of empathy that emanates from the administration. I think the most important thing is awareness of how other people live and the awareness that we don't live in a bubble. All human beings crave the same things and need the same things, and we all do better when we connect. I hope for her to be a really ethical woman and know where she stands in this world. I hope she has that inner confidence that will lead her to feel like she can really explore and push herself. As my mother says, in her thick Jewish-mom-from-Queens-accent, "Vanessa, you're here to make the world a better place." And that's the whole point, really. Because that's what makes us all feel better. When you give, you feel better. And that's just the way it is.

JS: Earlier Things Live is a really inventive take on your old songs. What made you want to do this reinterpretation? Do they take on new relevance for you today? "White Houses" is my favorite song from your earlier days. It reminds me of being an adolescent and experiencing lust and rejection and beauty.

 

VC: "White Houses" has so many motifs that capture these really bold moments that everyone goes through, especially when you live away from home for the first time. I think that song is a really nostalgic one for a lot of people. I've made peace with earlier experiences in my career that were at the time really challenging for me, and I think it's nice to be able to play those songs for people and include them in the set in a way that makes sense for me now.

We released Earlier Things Live for the people who don't know what I've been up to. The way I perform now — down to the singing and [the] arrangements — is actually quite different. It's amazing what you can do when you extricate yourself from a corporate machine. It's [also] scary as hell, but then I had the freedom to grow and explore and do things I always felt I could. I have no regrets about my music, so it's nice to put it out there again in a new way.

I'm not some perfect piano pop-song girl.

JS: It feels like your old label had a real expectation for you to be this shiny, happy piano pop star, whether you wanted to or not. How much pressure was there to create music on their terms, and how much input did you have?

VC: [When my first album came out], I was along for the ride and had very little experience in the studio. I wasn't one of those artists who knew exactly how I should sound when recording. That's so important to me now, [but] I knew nothing then, and no one really showed me.

Toward the end of my second record, the environment in the studio was such that I could give no input or engage in any dialogue about how to make it sound. It was all about then–A&M president Ron Fair's sound. Over the course of performing and selling that record, I realized I wanted to explore how to make my sound more a reflection of the things I was into, but then I fell into the classic cliché of hiring my then-boyfriend [Stephen Jenkins of Third Eye Blind] to be the producer. He was more of a songwriter to begin with and was more interested in his own sound, so again, I was under the umbrella of someone else's aesthetic. I'm not blaming anybody but myself for any of these things, but clearly I did not make for a very good pop star. I'm not some perfect piano pop-song girl. It's so one-dimensional, and it drove me crazy. It took me a couple records to get out of that machine, and I eventually did.

JS: Your 2015 album, Liberman, takes that sense of independence a step further, like this great, big love letter to the cycles of change. Of growth and decay. There's some mysticism to it and a larger feeling of ethereal grandeur. How did these themes present themselves to you?

VC: Liberman is so much about me healing. I had terrible polycystic ovary syndrome, and I was told by a doctor I couldn't have children. For the year after I left my major label, I just destroyed my body with drugs and alcohol and broke down my system from the inside out. Then I met this amazing Chinese doctor and got into Chinese medicine. I would boil this rank tea every single day and drink it religiously, and it literally brought me back to life.

The cycle of the destruction and the healing, and all of the philosophies that I was reading, really influenced me. I was particularly into Joseph Campbell and Rebecca Solnit. A book that I reference a lot and highly recommend is A Field Guide to Getting Lost by Rebecca Solnit. It's a life-altering book. Before you read the book and after you read the book, you'll have two different ways of looking at life, for sure. And as far as Liberman, I wanted to create that "dream séance" album for people, that headphones-only album you put on when you're out walking.

JS: Do you find you're still able to maintain some sort of healthy balance when you're on tour?

VC: Well, I'm very lucky to have someone like Stevie Nicks in my life, who has been a touring artist forever. She is a mentor to me, as well as a friend, so I get to bounce a lot of things off of her. And look, there were years there when I didn't tour for a while. I just started touring again, right before Liberman came out. I have an amazing manager now, and everything has finally become a really smooth machine. As you get older, you realize the art of performance isn't really about you anymore. Once you've done the work and conceived the show, it's just about being free onstage and connecting. It's about the exchange between the audience and artist. I used to be so miserable on the road, tortured from living in my ego. At some point I woke up and thought, Well, if I'm away from my baby and my husband, I better make this worth it. So I think that really keeps me in line. I'm a total granny now, too. I know my limits, and I know what I need to feel good on the road, but that takes a lot of experience.

I met Stevie in a studio in LA in 2004, and soon after that her manager called my manager and asked if I wanted to open her North American tour, and then I also did Australia and New Zealand. That whole experience, watching her and learning from a master, had a huge impact on me. I've done a couple one-off shows with her since, and beyond that, we're like sisters now more than anything else. The thing with Stevie is that she's so down to earth and warm. She has this amazing allure and presence, and I think what's most wonderful about people is when they know how to connect with you. And that's Stevie's greatest gift. Beyond all the shawls and beauty and mystery with her, it's incredible just how willing she is to put herself out there. That's what makes an artist's work last longer.

JS: Lastly, I love Cam'ron and need to know if you've seen the video snippet of his new track "10,000 Miles" that he sampled from you?

VC: Ha ha, actually, your sister sent it to me, so I heard it. That's one I actually liked. People think "A Thousand Miles" is a song that can be easily sampled by sticking that little piano part in it, but it actually doesn't flow that well when it's chopped up. I've heard a lot of people attempt it, and it just ends up sounding strange to me. Or maybe it's the key or the pattern. But in his case, I think it actually worked. Which is a real feat.

This interview has been condensed and edited.

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