INT: Therapist's office, 2018
Therapist
Why does turning closer to 30 make you feel like your life is ending?
Me
Because every gratuitous cigarette I have is a reminder that if I continue this social habit, my forehead lines will one day be thick enough to stick a penny in.
Therapist
Now that's hyperbolic.
Me
Totally, I think if I just use a refrigerated jade roller I'll be fine.
TEXT MESSAGE, 2018
Dude Friend
Are you going to Gov Ball?
Me
No.
Friend
I'm shocked!
Me
Well, if I “festival drink” on Friday then I’ll need to rest all day Saturday and then who knows I may have a two-day hangover and then Sunday will just be a repeat of Saturday and then when will I grocery shop?!
G CHAT, 2018
Friend
Did you see x is getting married?
Me
But yeah, did you see x is moving to Spain?
Friend
Oh yeah, but did you see x is having a kid?
Me
I did, but did you see x just get her own TV show?
Friend
I still think we can totally have it all.
Me
Oh, easily! If we’re rich.