Vacation All I Ever Wanted: The Instagram Files
GIRL POSTS PICTURE WEARING A BIKINI AT A VILLA IN ITALY
Caption: "Arrivederci bishes!!!"
Inner Monologue: Tara's party friend knows this dude who has a villa in Positano. It's really like "Came through drippin'" -- which is what my nose is doing. Now it's the morning after and I'm the only one dying. RIP ME. How do people endure two days of partying without crying? Issa Bittersweet Symphony.
GUY POSTS PICTURE MOWN LAWN IN HAMPTONS IN VILEBREQUIN TRUNKS
Caption: "At your service."
Inner Monologue: Am I not the fuckin' man? This is what manhood is all about! Why didn't our groundskeeper Mario ever tell me? Nature. I mean, I even own a S'well bottle. I feel invigorated. Like I could go to the Catskills, swim in a lake, maybe stay at Milk Barn.
GIRL POSTS PICTURE WATCHING JULY 4TH FIREWORKS IN MANHATTAN
Caption: Should we really be wishing America a Happy Birthday?
Inner Monologue: Ugh, I would give my new Herschel fanny pack to be anywhere else right now. I hate pretending to give a fuck about fireworks in MANHATTAN. Or anywhere else for that matter. Unless I was in Europe. Then I actually might give a fuck. I just want to hear someone say MANHATTAN again with that specific, sincere inflection. That would be enough.