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3 VOICES

I’m over vocal fry. When I say I’m “over” it, I mean I’m no longer fazed by girls who try to come off cute by intentionally making their voice sound like a buzzing refrigerator in an old diner. Been there, done that, seen enough Kardashian episodes. There are other fascinating voices that have recently come to my attention. Please see below.

 

1)    The High-Pitched Housewife

 

Okay, so she may not be a full-time housewife yet but she’s on her way. She and her new husband have probably had “the talk” and she’s inching towards quitting her job and working part-time with the option to work from home, even though they’re probably not having kids for a year or two or three. She is far from stupid (actually smarter than you), but still sounds just like a deflated pool float you’d buy at the local multi-purpose store (not even Walmart, I mean like a country corner store that only sells Shurfine turkey). The kind of float that’s so flimsy you have to blow it up with your own mouth and then 10 minutes later when you’re still panting, it pops and soars in a distinct breathy, piercing way. At the same time, you sort of want to mimic it because there’s something girlish and feminine about the High-Pitched Housewife/Pool Raft voice, but you also hate yourself for sort of liking it. When in contact with this breed, you may even replicate this sound for a few minutes, you know, trying it on for size, and your best friend might nudge you and tell you to stop.

 

2)    The Jewish Girl at the Non-Profit

 

This is one of my favorite voices of all time. I know this girl, deeply. I’ve worked with her. I’ve overheard her talking to her mom in Bloomingdales. I’ve studied her at cramped Jewish events I went to when I was 23 to meet a boy but ended up getting too drunk at to actually meet anyone. This girl could be 21 or 30 and you would not know the difference. She doesn’t have a ring on her finger like all of her other friends, but I know she will someday. She talks about the “EREV” aka the night-before a big Jewish holiday (Passover, Rosh) and how she loves her job because she get’s the EREV’S off. She revels in saying the word “synagogue” with a dash of culturally acquired raspiness. Listen for the gargled “gogue” as she flips her hair and throws on a pair of office Uggs. Her voice sounds like a Vitamix blender of marbles, screeching tires, and a camp cheer.

 

3)    Me When I Was Drunk in College

 

Honestly what’s worse than the sound of your own voice someone captured in a video from college when you were speaking from that weird subconscious place of half-truths only accessible at peak inebriation. This shrieking helium-crack-hybrid tone haunts me here and there when I run into someone I used to know or am reminded that they exist on Instagram. The voice spouts from a deeply insecure girl who has to pre-game before every social situation that occurs after 8 p.m. Then she gets in cabs and ask the unlucky taxi driver to turn on the hip hop radio station and say things like “STOP IT ---- AAAAAA” when someone annoys her. Gotta love her, though.